13 things no one ever tells you about having a baby

Seems silly not to start with this… might have been 3 years ago but  I actually wrote this post on my previous blog (so if you have read it before, don’t panic… I haven’t stolen it from some poor unsuspecting victim).

So lets begin, you are super preggo and everyone in the world wants to tell you horror stories about how horrendous childbirth is (it isn’t, I can happily write you a nice post all about it if you fancy) but what about all the other things that no one thinks to tell you? Trust me, theres plenty.

1.Goodbye Dignity.
I used to be quite private, but after 11 hours of labour I literally couldn’t give a shit. I had a midwife in there, a trainee midwife and a trainee doctor all having a cheeky look. If you are worried you will care? You won’t. All you want is the baby out.

2. That initial baby bond?

This is possibly going to be a controversial one. Don’t bother spamming me with hate comments, I am putting this in incase anyone else felt the same and felt guilty about it. So I gave birth and they put a baby on me. I remember staring at her like DID THAT JUST COME OUT OF MY BODY?! Then she pooed on me and I went to surgery for two hours without her (possibly the reason behind the delayed bonding experience) and I thought, yeah nice baby. Liked her about as much as I would if a family member had a baby, then by about three weeks later I would have pushed L in front of a bus if it meant she was okay… and L used to be my fav (don’t tell him he’s not now, he gets funny about it). I have done some research (well, asked people who also had babies) and this seems to be quite common. So if this is you don’t feel guilty about it, give it time and talk to your midwife about it

3. Breastfeeding sucks.

Literally. For something that is meant to be natural it is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. After 3 days I had to give up and bottle feed as my milk didn’t come in and baba was jaundiced and dehydrated.  Turns out I didn’t produce milk, so if this happens to you don’t feel guilty like I did, a fed baby is a happy baby no matter how that happens. It took 3 weeks for the scabs to disappear.

4. The first night at home will be the worst night of your life.

You are super excited to leave hospital (the food really is bad, I recommend taking ketchup to disguise all food) and you think life will be perfect at home with your new family… THEN YOUR BABY TURNS INTO THE DEVIL. She is no longer tired from the labour, all noises are different from the hospital and she screams the whole night and makes you think you will be a terrible parent and you should probably return her to someone who knows what they are doing. I told my midwife and she laughed and said “first nights at home should come with a health warning” so here you have your warning. Expect the worst and then the next morning you will have your perfect beautiful baba back.

5. Everyone in the world comes to visit and you hate them.

Literally everyone and their wife wants to come visit, squeeze your baby, drink your tea and eat your biscuits that you stole from the hospital. You go from loving everyone telling you how pretty your baby is to wanting to stab them in the face until they leave. Perfectly normal but try and refrain from the stabbing, babies aren’t allowed in prisons.

6. You will cry all the live long day.

You will cry cos your baby’s daddy is being nice to you, at the sad dog advert on the telly, or cos someone offered you a crisp (they were even my own crisps but ya know, such a nice gesture). You will even start crying about how much you have been crying. Don’t worry it all stops after a couple of weeks and you can go back to your normal sassy self.

7. You learn who your real friends are.

The shit ones are the ones that are super excited at the start, want you to text them when you are in labour, come visit all the time the first few weeks (when you don’t actually want visitors) and then send you weird messages about how they miss you and you never get to see them anymore. Not that you are busy with a baby or anything. Ditch the bitches and stick with the ones that bring you food and lol at your weird baby photos and come make your hair look nice for you.

8. Google becomes your best friend and your worst enemy.

You find yourself googling things like “will my baby die from not burping” and endlessly searching for photos of “normal” baby poo. As useful as the internet can be when you actually need to know something, calm down the googling. No babies ever died of not burping.

9. Baby poo will take over your life.

You will become obsessed. Why hasn’t my baby pooed? Is she pooing too much? Is that shit I can smell? I must stop wearing this jumper, its the same colour as baby poo. I will never eat a korma again, all things like that. You will also spend a large amount of your life sniffing your babies bum, don’t worry though, babies only poo when you are ready to go out so you might as well just check then.

10. Labour pains? What about aftershock pains?

Maybe its inappropriate to compare labour to an earthquake, maybe it isn’t. What I do know is that no one warned me about the pains you have afterwards. Literally feels like being beaten up with a cricket bat. Not that I’ve ever played cricket or been hit with a bat but you know, thats how I imagine it feels like. Take lots of baths whilst your partner is off work, have paracetamol and make people do the washing up and stuff for you so you can rest with baba. Don’t try and take the dog for a walk cos thats just stupid and makes it worse.

11. Having a baby is pretty lonely.

Everyone wants to come and visit you the first few weeks, then slowly it stops and your partner goes back to work. Suddenly you are left at home on your own with your beautiful baby and when you finally would like visitors they aren’t interested. Go out. Go visit friends who have children, go annoy your parents/parents in law. Don’t sit at home drinking too much coffee and thinking about how you still look preggo and maybe theres actually another baby in there (there isn’t, it will go by about 10/12 weeks).

12. Health Visitors come and see you and ask weird questions.

“do you think you are depressed?” “Would you say you cry more than 7 times a day?” “Does your partner beat you up” “any history of drug or alcohol abuse?”… don’t answer that one with “I think she’s a bit young for that, she’s only 4 weeks old” Cos they don’t find it funny. In my experience health visitors ask their weird questions and then answer yours with strange things about how every baby is different and give no real advice. Answer them without the jokes (I am probably on some weird bad mother alert list now) and then ask your mother or doctor if your health visitors are useless.

13. Enjoy your tiny baba whilst they are teeny.

I had a baby three years ago on Sunday and by the time she was three months I was already jealous of other peoples tiny babies. Seriously, suddenly she was massive and I cried and told L she might as well just be 18 and move out now. Maybe dramatic, maybe not. But in all seriousness enjoy those tiny baby cuddles and don’t wish them away cos by the time they are 3 months old they hate being cuddled and just ignore you whilst you try and play with them because they want to watch tv and eat their own feet.

so there we have it, 13 things no one ever tells you about having a baby! Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or do you have something you want to add to the list?! Let me know!

Chloe x

October’s empties

So this is a real throw back to my old beauty blog, but empties were my favourite posts! And really, is there anything more satisfying than finishing stuff up? Especially before Christmas when you need to make space for your child’s million new pieces of crap that there is zero room for in your house?

Apologies for crap photo… after running round looking after a 3 year old and a poorly puppy I cba. Soz.

First up is Lush’s the olive branch shower gel. I got this in a set for my birthday and I enjoyed using it. Scent was really comforting and suitable for L to use too so that was a bonus. Lasted ages for a teeny bottle too.

Repurchase? Nah. Not cos I didn’t like it, but I have a whole cupboard of shower gels that I got last Christmas still… haven’t bought a single one this year! Crazy.

Next is the body shop vanilla pumpkin shower gel. Obviously busted that out in prep for Halloween. Gotta be seasonal in your showering choices! To me this literally just smelt of vanilla. But then I’m not entirely sure what pumpkin smells like, and if the stringy mess from pumpkin carving was anything to go by I’m glad this was vanilla scented.

Repurchase? See above.

Onto make up! Finally finished my Mac oil control lotion that I got for Christmas last year! I can’t find the actual empty bottle and il be really mad if it’s been thrown away cos you know… I need to do my back to Mac soon for my free lipstick! I put this on before my primer to reduce the oil slick that is my face by the end of the day (no time to top up make up with mini people). I originally thought it wasn’t doing much and stopped using it… boy was wrong. If Mac ever stopped making this I’d need a new face. Lasts ages too and totally worth the money for me!

Repurchase? Already have! This is the packaging from my new one!

Then we have kikos eyebrow fibers. My friend Annie passed this to me as it was too dark for her and I’ve really enjoyed using it. More natural than many I have tried and perfect for combing my newly tattooed eyebrows into place in the morning now I don’t have to fill them in!

Repurchase? No kikos near me but would pick up another when I next see one or go to Italy (strangely more likely than a kiko visit in this country).

Pretty impressed with using up a nail varnish even if it is a mini one – opi in an unknown purple shimmer shade. I got this in a beauty box many moons ago and after ivy played with my nail varnishes and spilt it a bit I made the most of the opportunity to reduce my nail varnish collection slightly. Was a nice colour after two coats and lasted reasonably well considering I never get time to do a base or top coat!

Repurchase? I’m not really a purple person.., and I have over 100 nail varnishes so probs not. Soz Hun.

And last but certainly not least is this illuminating powder from Borjouis that they released in a version of the original packaging. Ivy lost the lid ages ago and I finally used it up! I loved the rose scent of this and it was easy to blend into foundation to set it, however cos it was illuminating and I’m crazy pale it had a tendency to make me look like Edward Cullen if I wasn’t careful! If you like glowy skin though (I’m more of a matte person) then this is a great budget option as it lasted aggessssss, even when used every day it took me a good 6 months to finish it!

Repurchase? Nope!

Not a very positive one today… but I’m always weirdly proud of myself for finishing make up. Let’s see if my New Years resolution (well one of them) to finish up an eyeshadow palette will happen by the end of the year! So there’s my empties, hopefully helping you busy people save some pennies and work out the products that are worth investing in.

Love ya, Chloe x

Tit or Teat?

IM SO AMUSED THAT THIS SOUNDS LIKE A HALLOWEEN PUN. I can’t cope. But really, to breast feed or bottle feed. That is the question. Or is it? Should it be? I don’t think so.

I wanted to breast feed my daughter. 90% due to it being good for her, 10% cos I thought I’d be peng ting within 3 hours of giving birth. But I couldn’t. I didn’t produce any milk, the child demon had reduced my poor nips to scabs and I literally hated life. I had put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mum and in my eyes that meant breast feeding. I was devastated.

Fast forward 3 hours, a meltdown from me and baba and my mother and friend both arriving with formula and things were slightly different. Ivy had had a bottle (downed 6oz) and had been asleep for 3 solid hours rather than screaming like a tormented banshee continually. Turns out the poor hun was bloody starving, hadn’t eaten in 3 days and had the beginnings of dehydration and was slightly jaundiced.

By giving her a bottle I had made her happy, saved my nips from total destruction and avoided what could have been a poorly baby in hospital.

Point of this long winded, kind of pointless story? Do what’s best for you. And your baby, but mainly for you. If you are in such a state you can’t cope, then do what’s best in the long run for your family. If that means your beautiful mini me has a bottle instead, who cares! Breast isn’t always best, and as my wise mama always says “for something so natural breast feeding is bloody hard”.

Chloe x

How to save some pennies when children are the most expensive things in the world.

Halloooo! So today we are gonna be discussing how to not enter bankruptcy once you have acquired a mini person. Cos good god they need a lot of stuff/things are cute in mini sizes and it’s hard not to buy them lots of stuff! So here are my money saving tips!

1. Pass stuff down/around the family! alas I was silly enough to procreate first out of my bro’s and Schwester so I was the original purchaser. Everything suitable from ivy being tiny was passed to my sister, and if I decide to house another being in my uterus then we can swap around again or with friends etc (was first there too, but try and pass clothes and stuff on where I can!). Babies don’t need brand new clothes (they only poo on them) and they don’t need brand new bouncer chairs etc! Don’t forget that if you use a second hand cot etc that they do need a brand new mattress though, you shouldn’t share those!

2. Mum to mum markets, Facebook selling pages, eBay etc… you can get some right bargains by having a little look! I have never been to one of the mum to mum groups but my work friends were telling me today and I’m going to the next one near me! Bargain brand new things for £1? Hella yeah!

3. Aldi. Just Aldi. Our food, baby food and snacks, nappies, wipes… weird random things you find in the middle aisle that no one needs. You name it, it’s cheaper in Aldi! If I do the same shop in one of the other big supermarkets it’s normally at least £30 more expensive. Which for a weekly shop is Cray.

4. Make a food menu for you and your mini people and stick to it! This will bring down your shopping bills so much, cos you won’t buy extra crap you don’t need and end up wasting stuff – apart from like a bouncy castle or screw driver set you see in that Aldi middle aisle and can’t resist the bargain. Remember as well that cooking from scratch will also be cheaper!

5. Don’t waste food! The amount the average person throws away is insane! If in doubt whack it in a slow cooker with some stock and see what happens. If it’s gross feed it to husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/someone that isn’t you. If it’s out of date check it before you throw it… always feed out of date food to L and he hasn’t died yet/had food poisoning so he either has a stomach of steel or the food is fine within reason after the date! Remember they are mostly a guide, particularly with veg, fruit, eggs etc.

6. Sell unwanted things! Carboots, eBay… whatever! I did a car boot of Ivy’s clothes that family didn’t want (got some weird gifts…) and made £60! Or you can weigh in your clothes – google it for somewhere close to you. You don’t get much but less effort than a car boot (and less having to go outside).

7. Buy stuff out of season in the sale. Whenever the sales are in I buy ivy some nice bits ready for the following year and save them. So in the summer sales I got her some bargain bits ready and have put them away for next year. This is easier once they are a bit older and you know ish what size they will be! And in the jan sales last year I already got her stuff for Christmas this year (only clothes!) so that she’s all ready to be a cray Christmas themed child this December! 🎄

8. Get cracking with Christmas present buying now! Particularly for kids, whenever there is a sale have a look through and see what bargains you can find. Plus… Black Friday is coming up soon and that will be good for a bargain!

9. Get crafty inside! Going out and about is great fun, but even if a free activity, by the time you have driven there and paid parking it can all add up! Do some messy play at home with paint or shaving foam (L didn’t appreciate this game, note to self use cheap shaving foam) or do some baking! Extra stuff to eat based on the random crap in your cupboards and that’s potentially hours of entertainment/mostly ivy just eating icing and licking cakes.

10. Make a budget and stick to it. Take out the money you will need for various things, food shopping, petrol, Christmas shopping etc and put them in separate labelled envelopes. Using actual money rather than handing a card across makes you more aware that you are spending real money and shows where you might be wasting unnecessary pennies (coffee and snacks whilst out, I’m looking at you – take lots with you!).

Anyone got any good money saving ideas? I know you can move bank accounts, consolidate debts etc but I’m not pro at that stuff so wouldn’t want to give wrong advice! These little bits I always do though, and the savings really do add up!

Let me know!

Chloe x

How not to parent, via baby Annabell/Ivy’s parenting skills.

Morning!

If this doesn’t cheer you up on this dull af Friday morning I dunno what will huns! After being very amused by ivys parenting skills (you really do need to be over a certain age to crack parenting, and as a reasonably young mum myself I’m referring to probably being over 3), I decided to write a little post about how not to parent via these photos of ivy “looking after” her baby.

1. I’m sure some of you all got some negative reactions to bottle feeding (post to come soon) but feeding is a time for bonding with your baba no matter how they are fed. Don’t shove a bottle in their gob then leave them to it on the dining room table to eat their lunch. Frowned upon, fall risk and even baby Annabell doesn’t like it. Feeling like a better parent yet?

2. Got twins or two young children? Don’t lay them on top of each other for a “cuddle nap”. One will definitely get squashed. Female power winning out here though guys. Also don’t just leave them on the sofa whilst you go have an ice cream. Put them in a nice safe chair or Moses basket and then shove all the ice cream down your face.

3. Make sure their sleeping areas are safe. a Moses basket full of crap, perilously perched on top of a dining room chair is not ideal. Annabell had a great nap in here but in all seriousness one of the main things for little babas is a safe sleeping environment, clear of anything they could get stuck in or shove in their precious little gobs. Ivy disagrees but her parenting levels are 0/10.

4. Don’t leave babies on floor with no nappy on (dangerous for your floor) and pets about. Probably also remove clothes from facial area. Make sure beautiful pooches are only allowed near your baba if they are 19473926% happy around kids. I used to be one of those snobby people who said never let pets around kids, but our old poocho (rip fizzypup) was a better parent than me and used to rock Ivy’s bouncer and sleep next to her 😍 so you know your dog. This one looks dangerous to me though.

5. This one ivy has almost got nailed… sleep when little people sleep. Although it is recommended that babies don’t sleep with you at a young age – although if you are co sleeping you know the rulezzzz (not for me, I’m stroppy I have to share a bed with Ivy’s dad, I couldn’t bear extra mini people in there too!)

Now if that doesn’t make you feel like a pro parenter I dunno what will. If you are having a shit day where you feel like a terrible parent (we all have them), then just remember… it could be worse. Thank goodness Annabell is made of plastic.

Smell you later (I won’t actually, got a cray cold and can’t smell shit all)!

I will be adding to this beauty as and when I have some more parenting skill demonstrated via Annabell! Any good photos you want adding let me know!

Are mums even allowed to be ill?

Evening.

So I’m ill. Not even man flu style, just fully ill (I have a slight tendency to be dramatic about a minor cold sometimes. Just sometimes). And you know what? I finish my day at work (cos I don’t call in sick unless the d&v hits the house) and all I wanna do is sit on the sofa in my dressing gown and eat Nutella out the jar.

But no. Ivy wants to play my little pony, do some colouring, tea needs cooking cos the one time you offer her chocolate for tea she doesn’t want it. Needs pasta. Washing machine needs putting on if ivy is going to have her milk out of anything other than the milk bottle with a straw. Baths to be done. Children to wrestle whilst you attempt to wash their hair.

Send help guys. Cos alas, you got to just battle through. Keep up the caffeine levels and the lemsip cos us mothers have got this. And if I haven’t I can’t tell cos I can’t hear or smell anything so 🤷🏻‍♀️

High five to all mums this week for being awesome. I have no advice… but if you guys do then please share. PLEASEEEEE

Chloe x

Halloween Pumpkin picking

Morning! Happy Sunday – best day of the week!

I took ivy pumpkin picking yesterday with her bezzie, we go every year and they absolutely love it! We went to Hill Farm in Peterborough as we do every year, so I thought I’d share the experience in case you were thinking of going/ to get you in the Halloween mood!

You start off by going round a little trail to the pumpkin fields, all decorated for Halloween and ready for lots of photo opportunities of your mini people looking cute. You then get to either go through the fields and choose your own pumpkin or there are plenty ready picking if you aren’t a welly/mud person!

Once you have chosen your pumpkins (you get a little wheelbarrow to carry them in, which also makes for nice photos if your child isn’t a drama queen who refuses to go in them!), you go and get them measured and pay for them! There is then a cute little play area for kids to blow off some steam/pumpkin picking excitement!

Here’s my worlds tallest 3 year old loving life after choosing her pumpkins! So if you are looking for something to do this weekend that gets the kids outdoors and doesn’t cost a bomb go pumpkin picking! We can’t wait to carve ours next week!!

Ps. If you are desperate to go, get down there soon before it gets cray busy and all the best pumpkins are gone!

Have a great week

Chloe x

Review: the body shop ginger shampoo.

Morning dearests!

So gross story… when I was preggo I got the worst dandruff ever. Never had it before and it wasn’t even dandruff, like my scalp just fell off in full on chunks. To the point my poor friend Annie had to do chunk control before we went out. True love. So ever since then I’ve used anti-dandruff shampoo. Even three years later even though I have no idea if I would even have dandruff anymore cos I’m terrified the chunks will return – even though it must be a hormonal preggo thing. Lucky aren’t we?!

so what did I do to control the chunkage? (Does the word chunk make you feel sick yet? Soz, il stop).

A did some googling and decided to try this shampoo from the body shop. No more horrid scalp and it didn’t make my head feel sore either – for some reason after using a shampoo for a while it always made my head hurt and then I’d have to swap to another??? I have used this solidly for 3 years and it hasn’t irritated me yet!

I have now started introducing other shampoos as I actually don’t have dandruff now… but this is still used at least once a week (just in case)! On a side note, this was often sold out in my local store so it might be worth having a look on Facebook etc to see if you have a body shop lady/man who can order for you! My lovely friend Rach is a body shop rep and can easily get hold of anything I need!

Link here to the body shops website!

Chloe x

Ps this is not a paid or sponsored post, just me offering some advice in case anyone else panics they have a chunky scalp.